Now What do we do

Over the next month Josh was confused. He wandered around like a mindless mummy. He wavered back and forth about what he wanted. He would tell me he loves me but that he loves her too. He tried to comfort me with "don't you think it would be easier if we got divorced." That was anything but comforting. We had many long talks. He would hold me while we talked. That made my heart hope. I repeatedly found notes from Shellie in his work jeans when I was doing his laundry. The notes were all about how much Shellie loved him and she dreams about him. She said that he needs to divorce me so they could be together. He had moved in and out of the house that we were in the process of buying. I was still trying to understand how this was happening. What did I do, I wondered. I didn't believe that he would really go through with a divorce. We had been through to much and we loved each other. I just thought he was confused and he would snap out of it and everything would be fine. I can not understand how a parent would even consider doing this to his kids. The children's behavior changed dramatically during this time. Jacob became angry and Mikayla cried about everything. They became very clingy to me. Josh kept trying to take them to meet Shellie so I was having to hide them. Now all the sudden he wants to take them places when he never had before. All during our marriage I had tried to get him more involved with the children and I. He didn't even come to their birthday parties. He was to busy hunting or fishing. After that first month of the back and forth, Josh and Shellie went to northern Michigan to our family cabin. I was devastated. That was the longest weekend of my life. The cabin was where Josh and I went for a late honeymoon. That was our special place. When they came back Josh brought me the sheets to be washed as we usually did when we came home from the cabin. However there was evidence of sexual activity on the sheets. I washed and cried and was so disappointed in Josh. I knew that they would sleep together but I did hold onto some faint hope that they wouldn't. From that point on everything about our relationship changed. Previously Josh had said " I'm such a jerk, all this is my fault, I don't know how you put up with me, ext." After he slept with Shellie he wouldn't look at me or talk to me any more. All the sudden everything became my fault. He was very angry with me. His anger was even more confusing. I tried harder to be a better wife but I was becoming exhausted. One time when he was ranting and raving about something I grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him in the eye and said " I love you Josh" he said with tears in his eyes "Lizzy I slept with her" I said " I know and I love you anyway". He yanked away from me and the rejection pierced my heart like a knife. The agony and confusion that I felt at that time was over whelming. Thoughts about "what have I done wrong, why is this happening to me, doesn't he know I love him so much" kept swirling in my head like angry bees. I turned to God in such a way I had not experienced before. He was my closest friend and he stayed by my side. I talked to him about everything I was going through. I was trying to be the best mom and wife I knew how to be. I was very confused about what that meant. The Faith Assembly teaching I was brought up with suggested that a wife does what her husband wants. Well my husband wanted a girlfriend. Every time he said something about his girlfriend it felt like a knife in the heart. Soon she started calling the house and asking for Josh. Yes, I gave him the phone. (That's what a supportive wife does.)My heart was so heavy I feared it would fall out of my chest. There is no way to describe the agony I felt. Like a beaten bloody dieing heap I went on. One day I looked out the big beautiful picture window in our living room and there was my husband and his girlfriend making out in my driveway. I watched for a moment and then took the children into my bedroom and locked the door. I held them tight and I cried. My tears felt like burning acid ripping apart my face. Shellie started coming over more often. I was doing what I was taught and keeping the peace by letting Josh do what he wanted. I had taken a job at Three Rivers hospital (grave yard shift) filing papers. Josh was no longer supporting us. I asked him to let the children sleep at home with him while I worked but he refused. I had to hire a daycare out of the money I was trying to live on. I took the kids to the daycare every night and then picked them up in the morning. I got very little sleep. One evening that I didn't have to work, Josh was out with Shellie late into the night and I had made supper for all of us. Of course I had to put his plate away in the refrigerator and the children and I went to bed. When Josh got home in the middle of the night he came to bang on my door and wanted to know where his supper was. I told him it was in the refrigerator he could heat it in the microwave. He said you want me to heat it myself? He was yelling at me to get up and heat his food for him. He said I was a worthless wife. For the first time in our marriage I refused to do what he wanted. He got very angry and started slamming things around. Then he would try a sweet approach and tell me he loved me and we were going to work this out. The next morning when he went to work the kids and I packed some clothes and went to stay with my parents. A couple of days latter my family and I went with trucks to our house while Josh was working at the Sheriffs department. When we got there we found that Shellie had already moved in. Josh and Shellie had been sleeping in my bed and Shellie's G-strings and lingerie was all mixed in with my clothes. I had to sort through Shellie's and my most intimate things. All our shoes were mixed together in the bottom of my closet. Shellie had gone out and bought shoes exactly like mine. Not just one pair like mine but four pairs like mine. I had to go through them one by one and check the size to see which were hers and which were mine. I felt like she wanted to be me. She was taking over my life. I felt like a worn out old pair of shorts just tossed to the side. Little did I know these were not even close to the worst things I would suffer over the next ten years.